Joker's Guide to Surviving Shepard
by millsenberry
Summary: Shepard happens across a document Joker has been secretly sending to new crew members aboard the Normandy on the Shadow Broker's terminal. Pure humour, giving a little insight to my head canon Shepard. Takes place after the Citadel Coup & completion of the "From Ashes" DLC, ME3.
1. Chapter 1

**_All characters belong to Bioware. I was just using them for laughs. Eh he._**

"There is new correspondence available at the private messages terminal," Glyph announced promptly as Shepard stepped into Liara's quarters. Shepard sighed, rubbing her bright green eyes, bloodshot from lack of sleep. The Asari must have been in the lower decks with Javik, a Prothean who had been revived after being placed in cryogenic stasis for fifty thousand years following the destruction of his civilization by the Reapers, now their newest crew member. Given Liara's fascination for Prothean history and culture, she would be down in the Port Cargo Hold for a while yet. Couldn't hurt to check the terminal while she was here.

* * *

_From: J. Moreau_

_RE: Something for you to read, Prothy!_

**Joker's Guide to Surviving Shepard**

_A must-have guide for all new crew members aboard the Normandy._

Welcome aboard the Normandy SR2, a state-of-the-art frigate stolen from the pro-human organization Cerberus after Shepard told the Illusive Man to get stuffed (good times). Here on the Normandy, the Commander collects humans and aliens alike instead of coins or commemorative plates. You'll find you're always welcome, whether you've pulled a gun on said commanding officer, are fuzzy, tank-grown, have three fingers, or eat fried Turians for dinner.

On the Normandy, we have everything to accommodate your needs. There is a stunning piece of human man candy piloting the ship, available for worshipping on the Normandy's bridge at any time (no appointment required). If you need to spar with that semi-permanent pole up your ass, we have a decently-sized cargo bay available, complete with a tank-man to practice on (we take no fault if said tank-man happens to beat the crap out of you, however). If you hanker to draw faces on the masks of a sleeping Quarian, we will provide you with a permanent marker (again, at your own risk). If you require access to Extranet sites that are considered illegal in Council space, thanks to the ship's artificial intelligence, we can accommodate those needs too, and have zetabytes worth of free-space available for downloading (tested by yours truly).

You'll find that despite Commander Shepard coming across as cutesy and slightly dorky (especially whenever Major Kaidan Alenko is in the immediate vicinity) she is not someone you want to cross. Remember, this is the woman who not only took down Sovereign but also saved thousands of human colonies from being turned into cream cheese by the Collectors. She might look like an innocent, cute-faced woman who could really use a tan to go with her freckles and sports a terrible haircut given to her by the tank-man during her time in lockdown with the Alliance, but this woman can put you on your ass in an instant. She is easily bribed with beer, chocolate milk, or (yet to be tested) Major Alenko's socks.

Do not complain to the Commander about the quality of the music aboard the Normandy. Being so far in deep space gives limited access to crap radio stations from two hundred years back (god, we were idiots), and Shepard has a tendency to have EDI sync up her omni-tool and blast her bad taste in music down the hallways of the ship. The commander states this is supposedly to bolster team morale between missions, but you'll find that listening to what the Commander deems "good music" (namely _Backstreet Boys_ and _Lady Gaga_) will have the opposite effect. Suggesting to the Commander that she update her omni-tool with decent twenty-second century tunes, will usually result in a knee to the gnads.

Earplugs are available from the medbay. Just ask Chakwas discreetly (make sure she takes out her own earplugs first), and when Shepard isn't around.

Here on the Normandy, the moment that Shepard goes groundside is a very special time. Groaning because Shepard didn't take you? Consider yourself lucky! As the Commander takes the Major groundside with her every single bloody time (can't imagine why…) that leaves me as the XO in charge of the deck, and I will announce party time as soon as the shuttle leaves the cargo bay.

You may raise your eyebrows at this (or fringe, or tentacle, or whatever), but it has been a long standing tradition dating back to the good old days aboard the old Normandy SR1. Please note that we cannot always guarantee your safety during said party time, as our enemies seem to detect the Normandy's outdated party music from deep space, and decide that said party time is the best time to shut the Normandy up and abduct her very drunk and giddy crew.

Do not tell Shepard that the kitchen resembles Tuchanka if you happen to stumble upon her attempting to cook herself a midnight snack (that's a mistake you only make once).

The Commander does not tolerate the use of air-quotes during conversation.

Expect the Commander to come annoy you after returning from every groundside mission. Make sure you say something funny.

Always wear restraints of some sort when in a vehicle piloted by Shepard. Especially if it's a Mako- Shepard is a firm believer that tank can defy gravity. Shepard also has a tendency to not follow traffic lights when driving skycars, and likes hanging out of said skycars _while flying midair_ to have deep and meaningful catch ups with old pals from Cerberus. Don't be shocked. This woman's a trooper.

Shepard plays a mean game of cards. When playing with her, wear many layers of clothing.

Here on the Normandy, savoring the last shot before popping the hint sink is not frowned upon by the Commander, but is in fact encouraged. Do not, however, tell Shepard when she is in a bad mood that she could do with popping some heat sinks with the Major to wind down, and expect to keep your nose intact.

Shepard states that she has an open door policy, and all crew members are welcome to visit her quarters at any time to discuss any issues they may have. Please note this open door policy does not extend to helping yourself to her private bathroom, or hacking the ship's cameras to watch Shepard dance terribly while she's alone in her cabin for crew entertainment, as Shepard has a tendency to find out.

If Shepard ever approaches you, smiling sweetly and saying that she needs someone to practice her biotics and spar with, take my advice- smile sweetly back at her and run for your life.

Searching for a missing family member? Need to tie up loose ends? Want revenge, or just want to kill something? Let Shepard know and she'll be happy to help you get your closure (especially if it involves a trip to an Omega nightclub to be seduced by a serial murderer).

Again, welcome aboard the Normandy! Please note attendance to weekly crew meetings is compulsory. It's a special time, where the Normandy crew gathers to receive updates on the Reaper War, see other crew members you never even knew were on board, to even watching vids compiled by Professor Mordin Solus on the best ways to avoid spreading scale-itch aboard the ship.

* * *

Shepard reached the end of the email, her mouth hanging open as she perused the document. She closed the terminal and made her way out of Liara's quarters to the crew deck elevator, passing a surprised Liara who held out a hand to catch Shepard's attention. Shepard marched on, chewing her lip. Just how many of these emails had Joker sent out to her crew members? Sure, it was amusing, but there was a limit to her paragon patience. Someone with very fragile bones on the bridge was about to get a well-deserved ass-kicking.


	2. Chapter 2

**_I threw together this little extra chapter for those who enjoyed the first & wanted a little more. So here you have it- Shepard's response to Joker's Guide!_**

**_I haven't gone into what happened when Shepard confronted Joker on the bridge. We all have a pretty good idea of Shep's relationship with her pilot. Eh he he._**

The strange looking holo-interfaced terminal Shepard had insisted Javik keep in his quarters for communication purposes beeped loudly, indicating the arrival of a new message. _Such a joke_, the Prothean thought to himself, slowly shaking droplets of water from his hands and moving towards the terminal. _Communication in this cycle is so primitive. _

* * *

_From: A. S. Shepard_

_RE: I see everything_

**Shepard's Guide to restraining yourself from breaking every bone in Joker's body**

_A must-have guide for any crew member blessed with a position that requires interactions with our illustrious pilot on a daily basis._

Let me just begin by stating that contrary to the entire crew's belief, our pilot's Vrolik's Syndrome is not as severe as he would lead you to believe. Sure, he can barely stand for minutes at a time and requires a hidden urinal bottle in the bridge should he need to relieve himself (note: despite what Joker says, do not be fooled- the liquid contained within this bottle is NOT beer), but set his SR2 cap on fire, and I'd bet he'd be able to run a decent distance (we may actually test this). Not only did he receive extensive experimental treatment during our legendary sojourn with Cerberus, thus allowing him to hobble around with a crutch instead of zooming around in a wheelchair, but he also has his own pill-dispenser and medication reminder aboard the SR2, our talented Doctor Chakwas. (She lives in the med bay, go say hello sometime.) You'll often see her strolling to the bridge to force feed pills into Joker's mouth. I'm sure you'll find that should he require a jab to the gut in retaliation for a smart-ass or inappropriate comment (try not to be _too_ hard, despite his bragging, he really is the best pilot in the Alliance fleet), he is quite able to take it.

I can almost hear you ask- "What is Vrolik's Syndrome? We had no such medical conditions in the Empire." Let me enlighten you, as being Joker's commanding officer for the past three services has given me good insight into how to manage a crew member with bones that could snap if he so much as sneezes too hard. Vrolik's, also known as brittle bone disease, is a genetic condition adequately managed by modern medicine, where bones are underdeveloped from gestation in the womb and can fracture or break from the slightest amount of force. It took me many weeks to condition myself to stop slapping Joker's shoulder comrade-style when he happens to pilot us out of a difficult situation. Given Joker's personality and line of work you can imagine he's received a number of fractures or breaks, whether it be from pissing off fellow crew members with little self-control (we had a baby Krogan on board at the time), to crash landing the Normandy on alien ships that resemble an enormous slab of faeces.

Do not be alarmed if you see Joker crawling around the Normandy on his knees. Such acts may have been punishable by the empire, but here aboard the Normandy it seems to float EDI's boat. ("Why would he want to float EDI's boat?" I hear you ask. "Her platform obviously comes equipped with flotation devices." It's an old Earth saying that basically means "Whatever makes you happy." Seems like EDI's "flotation devices" floats the boat of many of the crew members aboard the ship. Each to their own I guess.)

Please do not be offended if you pass Joker in the mess hall and he begins to do some crude version of bouncing and babbling. He is not imitating you. He believes he's imitating Liara. This behaviour is something he began doing upon your arrival on the Normandy, and rather than tell him truthfully that he looks like an imbecile, everyone aboard the ship could do with a laugh thanks to this war, so we tend to let him bounce for our entertainment.

The best advice I can give you to help refrain yourself from curling your fingers/talons/tentacles/probes (we get it all on the Normandy) around our pilot's throat is something I overheard Engineer Adams remarking to Doctor Chakwas in the mess hall last week. "When he pisses me off I just picture him naked. In a field full of fuzzy bunnies and llamas, vine leaves covering his manly-bits. Seeing him looking so vulnerable, I just can't bring myself to break his bones."

Alternatively, you could always just not go on the bridge. I find this method very effective.

Despite everything I've said, I will be the first to admit that Joker is an invaluable member of the Normandy crew, an amazing pilot, and although we may all take the piss out of each other, he has been a very good friend to me when I needed one. Please try not to take his Guide about me seriously. I value my crew members, and your health and well-being are always of utmost importance to me. Also, please do not draw on Tali's mask. She has a shotgun. The kitchen does not resemble Tuchanka when I'm cooking in there, and contrary to Joker's belief, I cannot be bribed with Major Alenko's socks, as it seems that years of technological developments are yet to address the male quality that is foot odor.

Please, remember that the door to my cabin is always open if you have any questions. Unless of course it's locked.

* * *

Javik exited the email and slowly closed his four eyes, resting his forehead against the cool surface of the metal desk. _I still have so much to learn about this cycle_, he thought to himself with a sigh. Straightening back up, he moved to open an Extranet search window on the terminal.

_Extranet search: "fuzzy bunnies" "llamas" "beer"_


End file.
